the mcsweeney's version of my job search

Total applications submitted: 41
Rejection letters, phone calls, and emails received: 16
Percentage of libraries or information agencies that never deigned to confirm the receipt of my application (Not included in total number of rejections received): 25%
Letters received stating that position openings had been withdrawn after I spent several hours compiling elaborate application packages (See also: dollars spent on official transcripts): 2
In-person interviews: 6
Phone interviews: 2
Applications withdrawn due to the weird cataloging questions asked by the library director in an interview: 1
Times I was offered the privilege of checking out library books, in response to a question I asked about professional development opportunities (See also: withdrawn applications, creepy library directors): 1
Hours spent in prison (Not jail ala Paris Hilton, but prison. There is a difference): 2
Metal detector searches: 1
Level of embarrassment in discovering that my underwire bra set off the detector wand alarm, scale 1-10: 6
Body cavity searches: Just kidding. Or am I?
Pee tests: 0
Unsolicited phone calls Gabe made to the Library of Congress Human Resources Department on my behalf (Guess I can forget about working there. Ever.): 2
Score, scale 1-100, received on an application for a Librarian 1 position in a public library system: 45
Score, scale 1-100, received on an application for a Temporary Librarian 1 position in the same public library system: 15 (For serious, WTF ________ County? That bad?)
Dollars spent ordering official transcripts: $15
Miles driven between the Badger and North Star states in pursuit of library work: 2216
Hours spent crying on the phone to my mom: 4
Hours spent crying on the phone to my fiancé: 1
Library directors I met: 4
Percentage of library directors that creeped me out: 50%
Times I was asked to identify my personal weaknesses: 4
Times I almost shouted, “Cripes, my number one weakness is my total deficiency for mathematics. I can’t even fucking add without using my fingers. I can’t calculate an accurate gratuity on a ten dollar restaurant bill. Why the fuck do you think I went to library school?”: 1
Thank you notes sent: 17
Job offers: 1

If you want to know more about the offer, come to happy hour on Thursday and I'll tell all. Bitches better be there, it's probs going to be my last happy hour before I move.